May It Be
by Bunnylass
Summary: Jesse's POV. Missing scene from the end of 'Darkest Hour' directly after Suze and Jesse's kiss. Special Chapter for 'The Shock Of A Lifetime' series. Can be read as a stand-alone.


_**Disclaimer:**_ The Mediator and all its respective characters belong to Meg Cabot.

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Summary: **_This is set directly after Suze and Jesse share their kiss at the end of _'Darkest Hour'_. The missing scene. Part of _'The Shock Of A Lifetime'_ series, but can be read as a standalone.

_**A/N: **_Well I wasn't expecting to write this one so soon or have it turn out like this. But once again, I just let my fingers type what they wanted, lol. Unfortunately I was an idiot AGAIN and I was going back over it, you know the usual...and I went to press the save button...and would you believe it, the site asked me to sign-in again. Yea, you can imagine the cussin' that came out of my mouth then. And I lost the changes I had done to it. That just had completely evaded my mind once I tried to go back and do them again. But I think I have it as close to how it was first as I'm gonna get it. I really hope it came out OK anyway.

Enjoy y'all** : )**

A big huge thank you to_** 'ekmemerald' **_for the idea and for the time. :D And I know your shaking your head at me in disgust, Pieces . . . I've stuck a sticky note on the screen to remind me now, lol.

_**Recap: **_David interrupts Suze and Jesse's all important kiss. With a hasty apology and exit, Jesse reflects on why he fell in-love with Susannah . . . and why he has no regrets . . .

* * *

**_May It Be..._**

I don't know what brought me back to my senses first. Susannah's gasp of surprise or David's calling to her through her door. Both seemed simultaneous and frightening. I had heard the sound of his feet climbing the stairs but my mind was too absorbed in Susannah and the feel of her in my arms. The taste of her lips; the rush of love I felt for her. All mixed into a haze that was my mind. Everything else was blocked out with Susannah being the only one of importance before me. Nothing else mattered.

Then David had knocked on the door with a just as swift question of her name. His voice instantly startled me, jolting me back to the present and causing me to quickly pull away from her. I hastily dropped my arms from her waist taking a step back. Our breathing was heavy and loud in the growing silence that seemed to stretch on for hours. Susannah's face was flushed and her hair was in disarray where I had run my hands through it. They itched at my side to do so again. To feel the silky strands slip through my fingers once I pull her back into my arms. Just so I can kiss her again, and lose myself in her.

We couldn't tear our eyes from each other. Both surprised by what had just happened; swept up in the growing tide of emotions ebbing and flowing between us. The moment now completely broken thanks to, David.

David's voice rang through the door again more insistent now. I broke my gaze from Susannah's at last looking to the door expecting it to suddenly open and be caught standing here; my breathing labored with a wild eyed stare. The thought that swiftly followed that left me feeling bereft and lost. Coupled with the sinking realization of what I had just done. How I had just acted. Because of course he couldn't see me. No-one could save for Father Dominic and the girl I love unconditionally standing before me. The girl I just took into my arms and kissed.

Susannah's breathing was starting to slow down slightly but her cheeks were still flushed a rosy pink. Her eyes were wide with surprise but held no hint of regret. No sorry emotion for what we had just done. For kissing me back. Making it that much harder for me to not sweep her back up to me. My willpower was already low and she was making the temptation more painful to bear. Her voice rang out suddenly clear and precise to David waiting anxiously on the other side of the door; causing me to jump not expecting it.

"Just a sec,"

Susannah's breathless voice finally reached something in my mind bringing me out of the stupor I had been in. I turned my attention back to my love before me. I couldn't look into her eyes for fear of being lost in the mass of emotions swimming there; ready and willing to pull me in again. To be able to forget and be where I always wished to be. Amazed to have those kind of feelings directed at me and _only_ me.

I was shocked at myself for what I had just done. How absorbed in my own love I had been for Susannah that it had blindsided me and taken away all my rational thought. Making me so relaxed and carefree with the release, I hadn't even thought twice about what I was doing. I was swept away in Susannah's essence and her love. In the feel of her melting in my embrace at my touch.

I mentally gave myself a shake, my eyes darting to Susannah's quickly before I looked away. I was finding it too easy to get carried away in my thoughts of her. I knew I needed to leave. To take myself away so I could think properly. To take in what had just happened between us and what I was feeling. I knew the rush of guilt I felt at having to leave Susannah so abruptly must have entered my eyes; because seconds later I witnessed Susannah's crestfallen expression. Followed by her inability to meet my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Susannah," I quickly said, my words jumbled and rushed. "I . . . I have to . . . I shouldn't . . . I'm sorry."

And then I left with one last look at the girl I love with all my heart and soul. I took myself out of there and out of the way of temptation. Away from the look of hurt I had unintentionally put in her eyes. The same hurt I had sworn I would never see there because of me. All because I was too much of a _coward_ to stay and face her. So afraid of my own reactions and the burning emotion threatening to take me over the edge all over again! To scared to stay and explain myself. To scared to admit and voice my feelings to her.

Without really thinking of a destination in mind, I took myself to the beach. To one of the places I felt the calmest. That I knew would help soothe my nerves, clear my cluttered mind and still my racing heart, I don't even have. The sudden realization that I had just left Susannah thinking that it was because of _her_; that it was because of our kiss; that I had left her without any clarification as to _why_. That she must have thought she had done something wrong. Or that I regretted my actions and my love for her, hit me with the force of a sucker punch.

It was none of those things. My remorse I felt was really for my behaviour towards her. At my brash and bold actions in my assuming conduct with her. That I had been so overconfident and kissed her without her permission or a second thought.

I had once accused a boy - Tad - of being too forward with Susannah. That she had let him be so blunt when she hadn't known him long enough; if at all. But were my own actions any different to his? Was my friendship with Susannah excusable enough for what I did? The answer seemed to come to me on the breeze from the water; soft and swiftly.

_I _love_ Susannah; that is the difference._

Heaven knows, I _do _love Susannah. I would do _anything_ for her. All she need do is to ask and I would do everything in my power to make sure she was granted it. Just to see her happy; with a glow of exhilaration and joy shining through; coupled with her beautiful smile. Too often have I seen the deep sadness she feels and kept away. Not enough have I seen the pure happiness shining out through every little thing she does. To see the sheer luminous contentment she has been deceived of for too long. I want to see the enchanted look on her face every day! I want to banish the cold and fill her with my love. To see the shining light I always see in her eyes when she's with me.

I want to see her shine like the beautiful star she is.

The sound of a gull squawking above my head pulled me back to my surroundings; increasingly aware that I was still just standing on the sand, facing the calm peaceful ocean before me. The noon sun beating down on the golden sand at my feet and winking lightning sparkles at me, off the surface of the water. I was sure I could feel the actual heat from the sun bearing down on my face. I felt like Susannah's touch had opened a new slew of sensations I hadn't had the chance to feel in a hundred and fifty years. I welcomed them just as I welcomed my admittance of love for Susannah.

She didn't regret that she had kissed me. I knew that. I saw it in her trusting gaze. That she had been as swept away with it as much as I had. I knew I should have felt remorse for being so forward with her. For kissing her the way I did. I was brought up to be a gentleman to have values. My Father and Mother taught me to be respectful of woman. I was taught to treat them as equals and give them the esteem and honour of any other person. Treat unto others how you wish to be treated, my mother would tell me. If I had have kissed Susannah like I had when I was alive, it would have been disgraceful and disrespectful.

But try as I might, I couldn't come to feel any remorse for it. The only regret I feel is the way I acted to Susannah after. I should have stayed. I should have told her how much she means to me. How I am so deeply in-love with her. How she makes me feel. That she has touched my heart and soul so softly it brings tears to my eyes. But all I was left with was the memory and sensations of our kiss. The ones that have been flooding my mind constantly since I parted from her. The emptiness my arms feel without her in them.

The shock that Susannah reciprocated my feelings was still lingering on the edges of my mind. Still disbelieving despite the kiss we shared that I felt deep to my soul. That Susannah would love me for me. My mind was unable to understand why or how she could. I had nothing to offer to Susannah other than my own love and protection. My unwavering devotion and care.

I had believed she didn't love me or look at me in that way. I had convinced myself I was only a friend to her. One that would be there for her no matter the cause. But once I knew better; once I knew the truth and of her feelings and the strength, I knew my battle with my denial had already been lost. It's one I will gladly lose again for Susannah. Now I am safe in the knowledge that my love is returned.

Susannah had risked her life and soul to retrieve me. She had admitted her love to me, with only her selfless actions and the pain of her words. Her eyes had shown me the missing piece of my heart. The part that for so long had gone untouched and devoid of thought. Left to leave me wondering how I would feel, should it have ever been filled? I had often wondered what it would feel to love someone and have their love returned. But I had thought I would never get the chance to find out, the second I realized I would never have the opportunity to speak to another person again.

But with one burning look from Susannah's eyes to mine, that had been filled. It was enough to reach out and erase the last dredges of cold and darkness lingering in the space and firmly place her mark there. A mark I can feel almost like a physical imprint. As if her hand was lying over my very heart, infusing it with the light and undiluted love only she could give me. The very girl who had risked everything to bring me back to her. The same girl, I am sure I have loved, before I even knew she existed.

Sighing at the way my thoughts were constantly returning to Susannah I lifted my hand to lay over the one place I was imagining; almost expecting to see actual evidence of her there. Shaking my head at the power of my thoughts and emotions I sat down upon the sand, feeling the soft texture beneath my hands. Sifting my fingers through it like I wanted to do with Susannah's hair. I wish I could have inhaled the scent of her. To let it fill my mind and turn it into a heady haze again. Even to just have her here with me now. My arm wrapped securely around her with her leaning into my touch. To share the feelings of calm I receive when sitting here. Happy to indulge to Susannah one of my favoured places to be.

It would be made that more special because of Susannah being by my side to share it with me.

I lifted my head to the slight breeze blowing off of the water, wondering what Susannah would be doing right now. What she was thinking. How she was. The guilt I felt for abandoning her like that was thick in my stomach. Making my arms feel leaded and heavy at my sides. My shoulders weighed down with shame for leaving her so vulnerable. Left in a situation all of my own making. Now knowing there is going to be an awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere that will settle between us. One I hoped to never have to experience when with Susannah. I hope and pray it won't stay like that forever. That our friendship hasn't been ruined because of my cowardice.

The horrifying thought that Susannah would think I had left was because she had done something wrong was terrifying to acknowledge. That she may think I had made a mistake; or that I haven't reciprocated her feelings. It was a thought that was black on my heart. I couldn't bear for her to believe that. That my own lack of courage was what had caused her to hurt.

The even more terrifying thought, was the doubt that had been creeping to the forefront of my mind. Of what if circumstances had been different. Would I still have fallen in love with her? Is the main reason I am because she was the first person to have made me feel alive in a hundred and fifty years. Because she sees me, speaks to me; has touched me to the point of leaving an exhilarating reaction through my entire being? Because someone has finally taken an interest and offered me friendship and the warmth I have come to depend on.

But before the dark doubtful thought could take root completely, it was banished from my mind. Burned and blown away with the breeze; leaving no traces of its existence behind. I already know. That somehow, no matter what, Susannah and I would have fallen in-love anyway. That the love I felt for her was the kind that would last forever. That had been cast upon two souls who fit perfectly; destined before time. And that I was as helpless to stop it as I was to fight Fate.

I knew then as I know now, Susannah is the reason I haven't moved on. Her love was what was holding me back before I even knew her. That there was something or someone I was waiting to meet. And Susannah was it.

She raised so many emotions and ideals in me they were hard to ignore. She made me want to be a better person, a better man without ever saying so. She allowed me to grow and learn. To discover my own place in the world and find where I belong. She instils me with bountiful courage. She has made me stronger and more determined. She has made me want to full-fill every wish her heart has ever desired and ever whispered for. Dreams she would never ask of me to grant to her, I would give.

She has helped me to view the world through different eyes, by seeing everything with a new clarity and awareness. Finding the bigger piece of the whole. To open my mind to the things I would never deemed to dream of when I was alive. She has given me respect and space. She has given me the best friendship I could have ever asked for. And in return . . . I have fallen in-love with her.

Just as Susannah has seen all of my facets and visions, I have seen all of her own. The things that make up what is purely Susannah, consisting of her stubborn selfless strength for the people she love. Her curiosity for the truth and justice; her fight for the things that mean the most to her! The compassion I see in her each time she would speak to a lost spirit. Sometimes hidden beneath the cold, hostile barrier she put around herself towards them; the only thing that protects her from getting hurt and too personal. To stop her-self from taking on their sorrow and grief they would often be laced with.

I have witnessed her weaknesses and insecurities and her need for self-preservation. To fend away the inevitable pain she would feel should she fail. I have seen through the humor and laughter to cover up her true emotions. Not used to someone taking an interest of how she was really feeling. How she was really hurting. Her independence is so powerful in her; it has often a struggle to get her to accept help. I have had to find different subtle ways to protect her.

I love the way she will blush at a compliment. At the sincerity comments would be dealt with when given to her. The disbelief that was clear in her eyes because she doesn't believe their words. And her pride and confidence when she will hear them for the people that matter the most, with my urge to wrap her in my arms when I see her sad! How she would duck her head to hide the tears that would threaten to fall; embarrassed to show her frailties. She will bring an instant smile to my face when she throws back her head and laughs. The purity that's delivered from the very depths of her soul because of her genuine amusement and joy!

I have fallen in-love with the small smiles that are only reserved for me. Those that are tentative and shy. A challenge to find what is truly meant beneath it. That they mean more than words ever could. When she's afraid to meet my gaze, or the grin that is bold, confident and smug! Her satisfaction when she has done something that has made her proud of herself. I love the way she stumbles her way through an apology. One that was completely unnecessary, but I don't stop her because I'm too selfish to hear her speak. The blush that taints her features when I just smile with a look of sheer affection for her.

Susannah has taught me what it feels to love. What love means to me. The way it makes me feel, what it makes me want to _be_! I can never describe the feeling of light when I'm with Susannah. She leaves me breathless and without speech. She makes me want to smile whenever she does and protect her from the world. From the people that dare to hurt and cause her harm. To comfort her when she's sad and laugh with her when she's happy. To stand by her side, ready to fight. She makes me want take her in my arms and ignore the world; to pretend it doesn't exist.

She makes me _feel_ more and see clearer. To be stronger and to _look_ harder! She's taken away the barrier of that was standing between myself and the connection to everything around me. Susannah has opened a door for me, which until now was locked and barred passage to me.

Susannah holds my heart and soul in the palm of her hand. Yet, I wouldn't trust it with anyone else.

She has taught and shown me so much just by being her friend. But now, with the knowledge of her love secure in my heart, she has given me more than I could have hoped for.

Pulling myself from my musings of her, I took a deep breath, letting the cool crisp air slide down my throat and weave around my heart. Letting it uncoil the knot of tension building in my chest. Accepting the soothing comfort it was offering to my heartache. I felt it calm my potent thoughts and clear away my visions. Subduing my love to a bearable level and clearing my mind of my scattered thoughts; bringing only few clear realizations to the front.

The strength of my love for Susannah knows no bounds. The intensity of my feelings for her is remarkable, to the point of leaving a physical twinge. For all of my own acceptance and actions today, I have no idea where to go from here. What to say to Susannah when I see her again. When I should return; how to explain to her my reasons for disappearing? For leaving her the way I did. If I should stay with her any longer, considering the change in our relationship now. How to tell her all that is held in my heart and soul for her.

I was supplied with no answer. The breeze was merely whispering a faint song mirroring my thoughts. The ocean left to its age old contentment and solitude. The world around me quiet and still; offering no help to my turbulent mind.

Until one faint whisper came to me seemingly from nowhere. Pulled from the last depths of my heart and essence and breaking through the maze to give me one small reprieve. Allowing me to realize one thing that was the most important, that the rest would follow in time. And _that_ is that I _know_ I love Susannah.

I only hope that for now, that is going to be enough . . .

* * *

_**A/N 2:**_ Thanks for reading; I would love to know what you think. Again, nerves are in play, hehe. I'm a hopeless romantic and I have no idea how much of that shone through. It was a toughie in some places, but I hope it was worth it. **Toodles : )**

_**Coming Up In - To Find A Resolution: **_It's tense and awkward with Jesse and Suze a couple of weeks after their blazing kiss. And Suze meets an unlikely guest at dinner before having another battle of wills with Jesse . . .


End file.
